Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
