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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.